I know that it’s just hair. But to me it wasn’t. When I knew that I had to undergo HSCT my hair was one of the first things that popped into my mind. Crazy right? I’m putting my life on hold right now, but I’m concerned about hair.
It sounds vain, superficial and crazy right? There are risks, side effects, and possible complications in my future- but I don’t want to be bald. In fact, initially I thought I could refuse to be bald. I loved my hair. I loved how it curled, I loved how I could do it different ways. I loved that it was unique and big and crazy, kind of like me. I loved it.
But saying goodbye to it was inevitable. I didn’t want to watch it fall out. I’m not sure why, maybe because it was a visual representation of what was going on in my body and ignorance can be bliss. Or maybe I just wanted to say goodbye on my terms. Either way; I called in the troops that are my parents, and got it shaved with my mom holding my hand.
Now I don’t think it was just hair. I think that to me, the hair always represented just how much this illness was taking away. But at least this time, for my hair, I got to say goodbye on my terms.